Paranoia, Paranoia.....

I have a serious paranoia of getting pregnant. This is nothing new for me, it goes back to when i was like 15 and never had even done anything to get pregnant. I was convinced i was going to have some sort of immaculate conception, obviously in time this paranoia got worse since at some point it did become a possibility. Not a big one, but more of a possibility than before.

I am careful, but about one week before my period, panic sets in. I start thinking that i have some sort of "sign"  like oh my, i felt a twinge in my belly, must be implantation. Or i feel faint, i must be pregnant. Seriously i probably take about 5 pregnancy tests a month, before my period is even due. It is like this weird obsession that i can not recover from. I know it is irrational. I have even gotten professional help for it, and while medication helps some it doesn;t save me the money i waste on pregnancy tests.

Now my husband being gone makes that easier obviously. I get to skip some months of worry one would think, but on occasion even if i have not been with my husband i start worrying that maybe i am pregnant and just didn't know it....i found out it is not a good idea to call your husband who you have not seen in a few months and tell him you think your pregnant. He knows i am irrational at times, but he just did not get how i thought i was pregnant when i had not seen him in months, which got him a bit worried i think...anyways after i tried to explain my reasoning, i realized it did not make any sense. To many episodes of that dang "i didn't know i was pregnant" can do that to a gal.

Anyways i don't know what the deal is. We are very careful, i dont trust any pull and pray methods or charting or anything like that. Even if i did get pregnant, it would not be a big deal. I am married, have a 3 yr old., etc etc. I don't think being pregnant scares me, it is an unplanned pregnancy that scares me the most. Anyways,....enough rambling about my crazy habits. I am not pregnant and won't have anyway of becoming pregnant for awhile so i can maybe save some money on tests and relax....maybe.....

Taking the easy way out.....

I hear it a lot, "wow it must be so hard for you with your husband living in another country" and " You are so strong" It is funny though, i feel like i took the easy road. Don't get me wrong, it is hard. It breaks my heart to hear my son ask when he is going to see his papa. Phone calls and skype and visiting every few months is costly and well not enough. It is embarrassing to be 27 and living with my parents because there is no such thing as childcare at 4am, plus well it is cheaper. I hate paying all my bills myself, it sucks to go to bed alone (OK i share a bed with Daniel, but you get the point) every night. At the end of the day though, i would say that i made the easy choice. I took the wide road.

The people who i admire and who i think took the real sacrifices are those who chose to make the move to be with their husbands or wives. Who gave up everything they have here to live a life that is probably not as comfortable, to go into a foreign country and learn a new language, to be possibly broke and living a life way below the standards they are used to, just to be together. I have cheated my son out of a father because among many reasons i am scared. Scared we wont make it there, scared to leave behind what i know. I have been saying for over a year now, "in a few months we will move" Granted, until about 2months ago my husband was unemployed and financially speaking it would have been a bad choice to move there with zero income.

That is no longer the case though. My son deserves his father, and i deserve my husband. Am i going to pack my bags and move tomorrow? No, there are still some lose ends. I need to pay off my credit card, save a few more dollars, be totally sure that my husbands business is going to support us, but that should not take but a couple months.

I know that some people may feel the exact opposite, that the harder choice was staying, that moving would have been easier, it all depends on perspective i suppose.

To all my fellow bloggers and friends who are lost in this immigration battle, who are separated by borders or moved from their home to be with their loved one, continued prayers and strengths. Keep fighting, keep praying. God is good and has a plan for all of us.

(the picture above was taking from this weeks postsecret.com blog. I love postsecret, check it out!)

Wal-Mart

I hate Wal-Mart, especially the one in Renton. Anytime i go there i spend the rest of the day regretting it. I swear it is the filthiest Wal-Mart around. Just getting through the parking lot alive is an accomplishment. It is not worth fighting the madness to save like $1.00 over what i could get at Target. Yet, there is some novelty in going there. Like whenever i pass one i must go in and see if i can get some cheap crap i don't need.

Which brings me to what i found to be thrilling news. Cesar told me Wal-Mart bought land and is planning on building in his town. Considering i hate Wal-Mart i dont know why this was so thrilling to me. I think it is the need for familiarity. I "know" wal-mart, therefore having at least one little piece of american life makes me feel comfortable. My husbands town currently has no store names i recognize, nor does it even have Mexico's major chains (Mega or Soriana) So i am very excited at the prospect. The townspeople though, just like here in the US, do not want Wal-Mart moving into their town. The evils of corporate America. Big box comes in and pushes out the little guy. I know, i get it...bad news for the local smaller businesses that would be in competition. Good news for everyone that wants to get cheap crap. So while everyone in town hates the idea, i secretly hope that corporate america wins out....first Wal-Mart, than maybe a Starbucks 8)

Starting Fresh

Well, i decided to go ahead and try my hand at blogging again. I kinda felt like my life was a bit boring and who really cares, but you know i like reading other peoples blogs so why not? Plus in my unique (but really not so unique) situation there is a lot of people out there who can relate and sympathize and enjoy reading about other people with similar stories.

What is my story you may ask? Well i am married to a wonderful man from Mexico who the USA will not allow to return to this country. What terrible crime has he committed you may ask? Well many years ago he claimed to a customs agent he was an American citizen. Unknown to him, this lie would haunt him forever. In the eyes of our government this is an unforgivable crime. No action or fee or good deed can erase it. So that brings us to today.....Me and my husband have been married four years, together for about seven. We have a three year old little boy who is the light of our life. A year ago (April 200) my husband did the right and legal thing and left to Mexico with hopes of returning. Well that did not work out like we wanted as you can see and he is living there now in El Grullo Mexico (West of Guadalajara)

Me and my son have been blessed that we have been to visit every couple months, but obviously we can not go on for much longer just visiting. We hope to move down there sometime this year, maybe towards the end of the summer. I guess we are just waiting for the "right" time. Like having a baby though, there is just never a "right" time. So i guess we  are just going to wait till i get some financial things in order.


Anyways my day to day life here in Washington is not so exciting so i may have some gaps between posts, but once we finally make the move i will have more to write about i suppose.

God Bless!